Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I cannot find my penis.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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