You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
