i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
