11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
stop calling my apartment porn island.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
