Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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