he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
