I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
