Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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