Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I need a beard to bite.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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