I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize