I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
