For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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