Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
