She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Randomize
