Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
