Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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