So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
