i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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