Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
