So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
