Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
