Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
