all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize