I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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