First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
