i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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