Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize