apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
