I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
