The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
