are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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