Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
