you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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