Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
