Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
