Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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