My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
