So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
