Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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