Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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