what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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