I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
