I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
