hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
