dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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