whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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