I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Randomize
