dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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