Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We are two peas in an std pod
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
