Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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