so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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