dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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