just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
