For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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