Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
