i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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