woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
