fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
