Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
