thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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