I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
