apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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