i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dignity is for republicans.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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