she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
