So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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