I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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